This is my first blog – ever! I never imagined I would be doing this and I’m still not entirely sure what motivated me to start this blog, except that I need to do something different. My old patterns aren’t working for me, and it is time to break free of them! I’ve been married twice, raised three children, all while juggling two professional careers back-to-back, and yet I don’t feel like the accomplished woman that everyone else seems to see. Something has been missing within me and I aim to discover what that is. One thing I do know is that I’ve lived 49 years surrounded by people who love me, but most of the time I’ve felt alone.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to start by writing about my issues with my father….although I can’t help but feel some satisfaction at the fact that he would shudder at the thought of me airing my innermost private thoughts out in public! Instead, I want to explore why I haven’t been able to find my happiness. What keeps stopping me from truly enjoying all that I am and all that I have yet to be.
My best friend recently helped me realize that I was not happy in my relationship. I was with this guy for 3 years, and although it’s hard for me to pinpoint exactly when it stopped being fun – when I stopped feeling loved and wanted – it’s obvious now that I was unhappy during a large chunk of that time. What disturbs me most is not that I stayed in it too long, but that I couldn’t admit how unhappy I was. Perhaps if she hadn’t spoken up, I might still be hanging on to a relationship that was going nowhere, with the expectation that one day things were bound to get better. And if I’m being honest with myself, this isn’t the first time I’ve done this. So I ask myself, why does it take me so long to realize that I’m unhappy?
This is as good a starting place as any, and I will begin by exploring what it means to be “codependent.” I’ve heard people throw this word around, (often at me), but I’ve never really understood what it means. I consider myself to be an extremely independent person, who hates being told what to do by anyone – and I’ve been a rebel most of my life – so surely I can’t be codependent! Right???
To get to the bottom of this, I bought the foremost authority on the subject: “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. I started reading it and, right there, in the middle of page 2, was the sentence that jumped off the page and slapped me across the face: “I saw people give until they were angry, exhausted, and emptied of everything.” That sums up how I have felt this past year! And that’s when it hit me: it wasn’t even a secret! I was in a relationship with someone who knew I was giving, giving, giving, and he just kept taking, taking, and taking. I rummaged through my desk drawers for all the birthday, anniversary and holiday cards he had given me this past year, and there was the proof – in his own handwriting: “You do so much for other people, I hope you enjoy your Christmas.” “I appreciate everything you do and have done for me. Not just me, but also my family.”
Don’t get me wrong – it’s nice to be appreciated, and I like that I am a giving person. But if that is the message being transmitted to me during every special occasion, perhaps I was overdoing it? I remember now how angry those words made me. Instead of declarations of love or musings about my various quirks – the things that I think make me unique and cute even – all I got was what felt like code for “I only love you because of what you do for me.” That’s not unconditional love! So why did I settle for that? And if I wasn’t getting the affection I needed out of the relationship, why did I continue to give it my all? Even after I already knew that he would be moving out, I was still buying his favorite toothpaste so that he wouldn’t have to use the one with the minty stripe that I preferred. Who does that?
The answer was once again in the pages of the book – in black and white print, two paragraphs down: “I saw people-pleasers, martyrs, stoics, tyrants, withering vines, clinging vines, …” No doubt I’m a people-pleaser, but am I a martyr? How are those thrown in the same list, and with stoics, and tyrants too? Is this part of what it means to be codependent and, if so, is that what keeps stealing my happiness? Do I care more about others than I do about myself? And what makes me think I should? If giving is supposed to be a selfless act, then by giving only to those who are worthy, would it not cease to be selfless and instead turn into nothing more than quid pro quo? Where is that line, if it exists, and how will I learn to recognize it?
So many questions! I’m going to have to keep reading . . . . so stay tuned!
Meeting Myself 