After exploring various definitions for the word “codependent” and different stories of how codependency has played out in people’s lives, I have no choice but to accept the truth: I am codependent. What does this mean? Basically, my codependency manifests itself as severe control issues; or as Beattie puts it, “in the ways we let other people’s behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the obsessive ‘helping,’ caretaking, low self-worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, abundance of anger and guilt, peculiar dependency on peculiar people, attraction to and tolerance for the bizarre, other-centeredness that results in abandonment of self, communication problems, intimacy problems, and an ongoing whirlwind trip through the five-stage grief process.” Well damn, she may as well have plastered my picture next to that description!
Then again, many of these character traits could just be the result of my Catholic upbringing. So I needed more convincing — before I could accept that this “condition” is the root of my unhappiness, I had to find out what causes codependency. Turns out that, according to Beattie, there are two common groups of people who tend to be codependent. First, people who come from dysfunctional families, often where one family member was an alcoholic. Check. Anyone who knew me growing up can attest to how dysfunctional my family was and how much I despised my father whenever he got drunk. As Beattie explains, those who grow up in dysfunctional families experience an atmosphere that prohibits “discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect;…” Check, check, check, and check. Growing up, my sisters and I were scolded for sharing anything that happened in our home with outsiders. We were told not to cry when someone died. If we got a B+ on something, we were asked why we didn’t get an A. I’ll never forget one of my best piano recital performances of my young life — the applause filled the small concert hall that my piano teacher had rented for the day to showcase her students’ talents. As I approached my father, he smiled at me and said, “I noticed you missed that flat!” With one comment, all my success was instantly reduced to my one flaw. Okay, so my dad sucked….it’s not the end of the world. Also, even if I were to accept that these are root causes to some of my relationship issues, I’ve overcome much of my childhood trauma already. I need more evidence than that! Coming from a dysfunctional family: that’s too easy!
Enter the next group of people who tend to be codependent: professionals who tend to work in “helping” occupations — nurses, social workers, …..legal services attorneys? I have always been drawn to working with the needy: As a teacher, I liked working with at-risk youth; as a public defender, I preferred the persistent felony offenders; and now, as an immigration attorney, I am especially drawn to victims of domestic violence and human trafficking. But why does that not just make me a good deed doer? A benevolent soul who likes to root for the underdog? I’ll tell you why: because it’s too much. I’m not just drawn to these people, I want to save them. I want to control the outcomes of their cases so badly that sometimes I fantasize about doing things that could ruin me financially or even professionally. “If I lose this case, I’m going to quit being a lawyer!” How many times haven’t I said that? As Beattie describes, “sometimes codependent behavior becomes inextricably entangled with being a good wife, mother, husband, brother, or Christian.”
I allow others to affect me in such a way that causes me pain or unhappiness. There’s no escaping that fact. But what else do I do?
Let’s start with caretaking. Out of 25 caretaking behaviors, I routinely commit 16, the most glaring of which is “try to please others instead of themselves.” I am usually so worried about pleasing everyone around me — my boyfriend, my kids, my friends, my coworkers — that I never stop to consider what they are doing (or not doing) for me. As it usually turns out, no one is ever worried about pleasing me — cause they’re all too busy being focused on their own needs. Meanwhile, I’m the asshole who’s running around trying to be everything to everyone else!
The next section of traits is low self-worth. Out of 33 behaviors exemplifying low self-worth, I routinely engage in 24, the most destructive of which is “pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.” It’s true: I am my own worst critic! Even my humor is self-depricating. I remember the first time my therapist asked me, “what do you like about yourself?” I couldn’t answer her. I sat there silently for what felt like 20 minutes and could not think of a single thing that I liked about myself. Even now, there are the obvious answers — but they all have to do with something I’ve done for someone else. They are not really about me.
The next few lists deal with repression, obsession, controlling, and denial. There’s no denying I match almost all those character traits! Then comes dependency — didn’t feel love and approval from their parents — duh! Poor communication — I don’t say what I mean so I rarely mean what I say! Weak boundaries — the things I’ve tolerated….seriously, what is wrong with me? Lack of trust and anger — well, again: no duh! Who wouldn’t be pissed? Just look at these lists! By the time I reached page 50, there was no denying it. I AM CODEPENDENT. But who could be surprised? I come from dysfunction, I married into dysfunction–twice–and I never really learned how to be at peace with my own self. And that is the biggest tragedy of all of this. I still can’t see what everyone else sees in me. I know it’s there, and I’m hoping now that I’ve accepted my disease that I’ll learn how to cure myself.
Meeting Myself 