Choose Happiness

I have always been told that if I choose to be happy, then I will be happy. I’m not sure where I first heard it. I can’t even tell you who has said it to me, but I know I’ve been told that repeatedly. And every single time I remember thinking to myself, “it’s not that easy….I want to be happy, but….” and then I’d think of all the ways other people caused me unhappiness. It makes sense now, because my neural pathways have been programmed to react in codependent ways.

But what does it mean to be happy, anyway? I’m always smiling, finding humor in things, and I generally have a positive disposition. This is what attracts people to me, and why I have such good friends. Surely I’ve experienced happiness! So I did what has now become a part of my daily routine – I set aside some time to reflect. A therapist asked me once, “tell me of a time that you were happy” and while I can’t remember what my response was exactly, I’m sure it included the normal things: hanging out with my friends in high school, going to concerts, the birth of my children, the life-altering experiences I had as a teacher, winning my first case,…” The list probably goes on and on. Looking at this list, what stands out to me most now is that they all involve others. Not that there’s anything wrong with that….

I’ve been thinking about those moments and I realized that there is only one time in my life where my happiness was my own. It flowed from me, and it grew because of how it was nurtured. Even though it also involved another person, the happiness was my own. Everyone who knows me can probably guess which part of my life I’m talking about. It is the time I shared with Tito. Whether we were a couple or just friends during those in-between on-and-off again moments, I was always my authentic self with him. So what was different? He broke my pattern – he was his authentic self too. There was no mystery to solve, and he had already rescued himself, leaving me with nothing to do but love him. He was flawed, of course, just as flawed as I am – and it is our mutual stubbornness that prevented us from moving forward together. I accept that now. But the love was mutual and it was unconditional. It was actually the only unconditional love I’ve ever experienced from a man. And I think that what made it that way was there was an admiration that we each felt for each other. We each had challenges to overcome, and the way we came out on the other side was admirable. Even now, I can feel his love and admiration shine down on me everytime I do something noteworthy. I’m sure as I’m writing this now he’s looking down from heaven with that infectious smile, filled with pride.

Hence my resolve: I will choose happiness. I can and will be happy again, but I will only truly be happy while I am being my own authentic self. I can already tell that it will be a challenge to let go of those feelings that come over me anytime I feel like I need to rescue someone, but I know I have it in me to fix this. After all, I am now aware and can acknowledge all the ways that codependency shows up in my life. And for the first time, I’m confident in my own ability to rescue myself.