Rejection: Friend or Foe?

We all hate rejection. It makes us feel unwanted, less than, not enough. As a codependent, I’ve spent my entire life fearing rejection. I’ve even made choices – both consciously and subconsciously – in order to avoid being rejected by others. Despite that, however, my life has been a series of rejections:

• My mother rejected me for being non-traditional, outspoken, rebellious, and “just like my father,” which I learned early on was not a good thing in her eyes.
• My father rejected me for being uncontrollable, outspoken, and fearless, even though he gave me plenty of reasons to fear him.
• My sisters rejected me for being too needy, which I now understand was my way of using them to fill the void that was left behind by my missing twin’s soul.
• My first boyfriend rejected me for having strict parents and for being too intense, and he broke my young heart in ways that wouldn’t heal until I met the true love of my life!
• My husband rejected me for not being pretty enough or athletic enough or compliant enough, and he cheated on me regularly.
• Random guys I dated rejected me for being clingy, too emotional, too intense, or too intimidating.
• My father rejected me again as an adult for dating men he didn’t approve of – men he felt were “beneath me” because of lack of education or socio-economics or their race.

Every rejection created a void in the center of my being, which grew and grew over time. I truly believe the void started in utero, when my twin stopped developing. Our souls must have been connected before my birth because I remember always feeling lonely as a child. My older sister was 8 years older than me and she spent a lot of time with me when I was young. She was born to be a teacher and she was the one who taught me my ABC’s and how to count. I idolized her and wanted to be just like her, which I imagine became really annoying during her teenage years. That is when I began to feel rejected because she never wanted me around her friends (obviously)!

My younger sisters were 5 years and 10 years younger than me, and although I bonded with them in different ways, they never quite filled the void either. So whenever I felt lonely, I would imagine that I had a twin and I would play with her and talk to her, and it felt real. The strange thing is I didn’t learn that I was supposed to be a twin from my parents until the age of 18 – when I was applying for college and had to answer a question about whether I had ever had surgery. It wasn’t until then that it occurred to my mother to share with me the fact that I was supposed to be a twin and that my twin never fully developed so when I was born they had to rush me into surgery to detach her remains from me. I’ll never forget the pang that I felt in the center of my being when I heard the truth – the same pang I feel now as I retell the story. Besides the panoply of reasons why I am a codependent, the void left behind by my twin’s soul is likely at the top of the list!

It has taken me a long time to accept this truth about myself, but even longer to process what not having my twin in my life has meant to me. After all, how could someone who never actually existed affect a person’s life? Well, I’m here to tell you it’s possible because it happened to me. That is how I know our souls were connected before our bodies were formed, and why I have grieved this loss for most of my life.

As I reflect on all the loss and rejection I have encountered in my life, I have asked myself, “what lessons have I learned from them?” Turns out I learned a lot from every single rejection:

• My mom taught me that parents are human and they make mistakes. I vowed never to be like her, especially if I had kids of my own.
• My father taught me to be stubborn about what I want for myself and to let no one influence me. He also taught me to fear nothing and no one!
• My sisters taught me how to be alone and how to depend on myself for entertainment. They also taught me that even though they are not there for me on my terms, they are always there for me!
• My first boyfriend taught me that sometimes love hurts and no matter how much you want it to, sometimes love just doesn’t last.
• My husband taught me self-reliance and that no matter how badly I’m hurt, I’m always capable of forgiveness.
• Random guys taught me to beware of random guys, to follow my gut, and to never settle.
• My father recently taught me that I have to put myself first and let go of all toxic relationships in my life, including the one I had with him. More importantly, he taught me that despite his inability to love me and be the father that I deserved, I’ll be okay.