What started as an arduous journey to discover my authentic self has turned into my life’s greatest and most self-fulfilling adventure! The journey began with facing some hard truths about myself that left me wondering how in the world I was supposed to be able to essentially change who I am. But it wasn’t until I turned to scripture and began to work the 12 steps that I began to reconcile the idea that I can change my codependent impulses without changing who I am. It all boils down to the simplest idea, which has now become my mantra: I can love who I am without loving everything I do….because Jesus does!
It has become so much easier to catch myself when I’m reacting to something or reverting back to my old patterns. The hard part is knowing what to do about it. Recently, however, I have started to change the way I communicate: I’m making a concerted effort to vocalize my wants and needs without feeling guilty about having those wants and needs. And I have started to use the word “no” instead of always using wavering phrases like “maybe” or “I don’t think so.” I have also started to be more concise in my speech, mainly because I am no longer trying to convince others that I’m good enough or that my ideas and feelings are worthwhile. And I have to say, this new mindset is making a difference!
I no longer feel like I am accountable to anyone and, in reality, I am not. I am only accountable to God, and he accepts me just the way I am – flaws and all! Finally, I have stopped worrying about what others think of me. That was the biggest breakthrough of all! I have found that not explaining myself to anyone and merely stating “I am doing x” without feeling like I need to justify why I am doing X has produced the wonderful side effect of shutting down people’s unsolicited opinions about my life. If only I’d discovered this life hack sooner!
For all these reasons, I have started to pay more attention to how I spend my time. I took a one-hour paddle boat lesson that was so refreshing and fun, and which made me realize that I need to work on my balance and my swimming this year because I intend to try to surf again next summer! I may even make another attempt at skiing this winter if the opportunity presents itself. I have resumed one of my favorite activities – going to concerts – and this year I plan to meet the guys in Toad the Wet Sprocket backstage!! I’ve also discovered a bunch of hiking trails that I want to explore, and booked several jaunts in the wild – beginning with a treehouse in Taberg, NY. I relish the solitude that awaits me in nature, as I go completely off grid and focus only on myself and my connection to my own spirit. And last, but certainly not least, I am going to go camping upstate with my favorite boy scout in October and I simply cannot wait!!
I finally feel like I am starting to live the life I’ve always wanted to live but was either too afraid or too insecure to. I am starting to discover my true self, and I have to say, it feels fucking amazing!!!
Meeting Myself 